"Do you know how far this has gone? Just how damaged have I become? When I think I can overcome, it runs even deeper. Everything that matters is gone. All the hands of hope have withdrawn. Could you try to help me hang on?"
Everything In Its Right Place
Longing for a new sense of calmness, I found myself organizing a visual to match. Few things are going right in my life right now, and I need my dreams. I need this calm, this place; this sense of rest; lightness — where everything is in its right place.
I have been many things in my life, but now, no matter what, everything is catching up to me.
Eigengrou is what you see when there's no light to illuminate the area you're in. It's your eyes making something up. It's what your brain sees when it sees nothing.
Most if not all of my ideas for pieces come when I'm able to sit, close my eyes, and see into my mind through the theater behind my eyelids.
For the last few weeks, I've been attempting to get more colour into my work, but couldn't quite get there, or just got stuck in a grey "place". I hope this lasts.
When I think I've done all I can do, what else is there?
Despite what I could view as failures in my life, and things weighing down on me, I'm choosing to keep my light shining and remain optimistic.
Applying for jobs whenever I can find them and not hearing back at all from most of them makes me feel lost on a tundra, making attempts to contact, but they aren't going through... like I have no signal.
"Hey. Don't go away up there. Next time it won't be a dream or a nightmare. Next time it'll be for real. So don't go away. We'll be up there in a little while."
- Rod Serling
I feel like an airplane circling the airport, having left a destination and attempting to land in another. I am not meant to stay where I am, nor can I — I occupy the space in between.
Wake up, have coffee, maybe breakfast, work on art, apply for jobs, have lunch, take a nap, wake up, delete the morning's art, have a snack, think TV would be a good idea but it's not, listen to music, eat dinner, watch TV, work on art, go to sleep — every day is starting to feel the same, like a dream of sorts. I thought I left the dream, but maybe I never woke up. I moved to fix things, but part of me feels like I may have gone into the void.
Part of the reason I do this 3D work is to learn Blender, but sometimes, I'm left with what seems like an incomplete composition. This process reminds me a bit of driving for two and a half days in the desert, and how the end I wished I was at every morning felt like it would never arrive. No matter what I did in the car, I just never seemed to get there fast enough — the end seemed intangible.
Many years ago, I had a dream that ended on this scene: a rough desert-like ocean with a staircase leading "out". I'm of the belief that dreams do mean something sometimes, and this one, I think has a meaning... I just never knew what it was. I recently left LA, and with that, I think I found a connection between my waking life and this dream. In LA I was living a dream within creatively rough waters, and now, I've experienced what it's truly like to exit a dream.
2018: wilderness of mirrors
"She gazed upon the new year delivering hope into chaos."
This is my first Christmas in Los Angeles. Usually, I'd fly back east to see family. This year, I can't fly back since I don't have a job, and even if I was there somehow, it'd mean I wouldn't have any gifts for anyone. That said, I'm happy Veronica and I can start our own holiday traditions in LA, even if our tree is small, dwarfed by the stack of presents next to it. I wasn't expecting my first Christmas in LA to happen this way, but really, I'm thankful it's happening at all. Plus, we still have Ray Conniff and quiche! Merry Christmas & Happy Holidays, everyone!
When I was younger, I wanted to be an architect. I'd draw pictures of houses and floorplans. None of these were "smart" in the sense that we think of them today, but now I have dreams of building a completely sustainable house out in the woods, designed to work with the planet, not against it. That's my idea of a smarthome.
I've never had an easy time escaping my fears. I remember moments on flights where I wished I was wearing a parachute, just so I could leave the plane and my fear of it crashing. I've avoided roller-coasters because of heights, other people because of their judgement, and my true self because the alternative seemed like a more terrifying day to day reality. I've worked on a lot of that and the only way for me to have any success was to confront it. No solution involves ignoring problems. The way out is through.
I'm bi. I'm trans. I hid this for 30 years. There's a lot going on in the world, and it feels like I'm blooming right into it. A flower that grew under a train track. I want peace. I want safety. I want autonomy, and I want to stop being scared that I'll wake up one day and find out I was late to the news that I'm not even considered a human anymore. When I try to synthesize all of my desires into one form; to visualize it in it's simplest terms, I get an ascendant, flowing, pure, and free entity, in a warm void; the medium feels like a tuning fork was struck and the world dissolved into a perfect unified silence. My purest vision of freedom.
I've never seen one before. It was amazing!
See More. Make your own horizon. Full screen the 5K video above and take a screenshot for a custom wallpaper, or download one of the pre-selected shots below.
P.S. There's sound too!
See More. Make your own horizon. Full screen the 5K video HERE
and take a screenshot for a custom wallpaper, or download the pre-selected shot below.
Reminiscent of the storybook, particularly the color of the sky, the texture of the paper, the scent of the book's glue.
I grew up in the southern United States. I currently live in Los Angeles. One thing I miss immensely is thunderstorms; the cooling of the air, and the wind; the scent of the rain, and how good it feels to sit inside on a rainy day, or go run out in the rain on a hot summer afternoon.
I've been to DisneyWorld a ton of times, and the centerpiece, right as you walk into the Magic Kindgom is Cinderella's Castle. Tall, majestic, and at night, sparkling purple; my favorite color is green, but my favorite color of light is purple.
Scrambled porn at the end of the dial. The joys of youth.
For the first 7 years of my life, I lived in Lithonia, Georgia on a street named Tiffany Trail. I lived in a house with a fairly large back yard, a creek, and some woods. When I could, I would spend as much time out there as possible, playing with friends, routing water through sand tunnels or climbing the very lush and viney woods. I have a feeling this is why my favorite color is green.
My father and I have a history of racing. He's got ECTA land speed records. My first car had 500 horsepower, couldn't be driven in the rain, and I was given this car after gaining driving experience almost solely via amateur go-karting. We like to go fast.
Summer has always been a special time to me. Other than Christmas, it's when I got to see most of my family. On my Mom's side, we'd go to Florida and stay with my grandparents. On my Dad's side, we'd go to Lake Lanier and play in the water. I found my favorite band in the summer, my favorite album in the summer, and developed my artistic skills online with friends over many summer days spent pixelpushing around a win95 machine outfitted with GiMP. While I don't get the typical 3 month break I used to thoroughly enjoy while in school, summer is still a season of growth and fun for me, and I love it.